Lost

So here's my situation:  I'm at a job which I absolutely hate, I live with my parents, and I have done nothing but gain weight since I moved back to Illinois. I've been at this job for three years and it didn't start getting really bad till this past year and I just can't do it any more so I have been looking for a new job and am waiting to hear back from a place which is similar to what I do now just doesn't deal with health insurance.  As for my living situation there is nothing I can do about that until I save up money to buy my own place, can't rent too many pets most places have a limit of two and I have four.  And I'm sure the weight gain is mainly due to the stress I've been under since moving back home.  Now here's the thing I will move away lose weight start doing good then for whatever reason I have to move back to Illinois.  And then the cycle repeats.  So about a week ago I thought something has to change.  I can't support myself if I can't move up a job grade which to open up jobs requires me to get a degree.  Well after some thought I decided to apply to college and do it all online to at least get an associate's degree.  I was very excited and thought if I do that full time I will need a less stressful job so I could do retail or waitressing or something easy.  So I had a plan and felt I was finally making a change for the better.  Finally got the basement clean and it just needs some final touches then I will be able to start working out down here.  My life is changing for the better right?  Wrong,  I logged on to the site yesterday to check the status of my financial aid, can't get it without letters from my previous student loans showing I paid in full or have met their repayment options since I defaulted on my loans awhile ago.  Classes are supposed to start the 25th it's the 9th there's no way I would be able to get that in time. Especially since my loans aren't paid in full and I haven't done a repayment option I've just been letting them take it out of my wages.  So I'm screwed.  I don't know what to do.  School is now off the plate.  And I still haven't heard from this other job.   I can't continue working where I am.  It has caused me to have migraines, anxiety attacks, depression, sitting all day in the crappy chairs has been making my back really bad.  I'm honestly lost I feel like I just won't be able to better myself and get out of this cycle.  I hate it.  I had a plan and it was an excellent plan and now it's gone.  I was happier than I've been in a long time with my thoughts and plans and now I have nothing.

Turning 30....

I'm getting old.  So I'm not turning 30 till December but there are a few things I really want to get done before then.  First I want to be completely off nicotine no more cigarettes no more patched nothing.  Second I want to get my weight to under 200.  I really think these are doable and I believe in myself and that I can do it.  I just need to not let people know that these are my plans unless I know they will support me 100% no ifs ands or buts.  I've already cut back on smoking drastically.  I have it planned that come October I am on the patch for six weeks and then I will be done with it completely.  As for losing weight I started a diet regimen and have already made drastic changes to what I eat.  Now I just need a reliable workout buddy or no workout buddy, either way works but I really dislike having sporadic work out buddies they aren't reliable or even useful I'd rather have no support than one who thinks it's okay to skip constantly.

Now on to other things....

I'm not dating (but really dating) this guy.  Basically the time flew by and I need to go to bed I could have sworn it was just 9 something a minute ago.  Alright so we'll get back to the guy topic tomorrow.  Geez how time flies.  

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I'm sad and I don't know why.  Today was just a rough day over all.  I was running late so I didn't have time for breakfast or to make a lunch.  I ran out of cigarettes on my way to work so I didn't have time to pick those up either.  Which didn't seem like a big deal to me because I've been cutting them out of my work day.  But then when I was at work.  I let me one coworker use my car and our lunches overlap I told her she could use it and I would just go down to the deli for some food.  Well I didn't know that the deli was closing early today so there I was with no lunch because I didn't have my car to go get anything.  So lucky me I got to eat a granola bar for lunch after having no breakfast.  And then I was put on processing at 3 but no one told me and my stupid email didn't give me a notification that I had a schedule update, so I didn't realize it until 3:40 so I was out of adherence for 40 minutes which completely screws up my entire day.  So yup just not a good day I really wanted to turn into a sailor right about then.  I haven't wanted to go off on a cursing rant in awhile but boy did I want to.  I also just wanted to curl up and be held.  But I don't have anyone for that.  Speaking of which I am talking to a couple people right now and I really like the one, which scares the shit out of me.  I don't want to get hurt again but I also don't want to live my life alone.  We haven't met yet because he is in another state for the holidays at the moment but we've been talking non stop and he gets me.  I'm just worried about putting too many cookies in one jar. I just don't know what to do.  It's a new year and there will be a lot of changes being made.  I will be quitting smoking, I will be working out, and damn it I will let someone new in my life.  It will be scary especially since I have a few health issues I need to deal with but I will get it done and be all that much better for it.  I really do just want to curl up and cry right now and I don't get it, I blame my hormones.

Christmas

So I am going to sound like a bitch and I apologize but if I don't get this out I will fester and I don't want to.

The holidays have been hard on me for quite a few years now and I am doing my best to try to really enjoy them and make them better as they come around.  They just don't get better no matter how hard I try.  Here's the thing that has got me upset this year and I will sound like a selfish ungrateful bitch which makes me feel terrible about being upset which then just makes me more upset over everything.  I've been telling my family since October that all I want for Christmas is a larger fish tank and stand because my fish are growing out of their tank.  I figured if I make sure to keep saying that to my sister, sister-in-law, and mom then perhaps I will actually get what I want/need this year.  Right makes sense doesn't it, well that didn't happen.  My sister-in-law did good she got me a gift card to a pet store. My sister I don't know what she was thinking, her gifts were thoughtful but not useful, She bought me a purse with interchangeable panels on it and she had two made one with my cats and one with my dog.  Now you  may think awe how cute, which it is, but it's not a style of purse I would use it's one of those with short straps so the purse is right under your arm pit and well it just does not work for me.  The straps aren't even long enough to have on with a jacket or anything so it's not practical.  I got a travel mug with my nephews pictures which I'm good with that, and then also got this huge earring holder which again not practical, I have a tiny and I mean tiny bedroom there is nowhere for me to put it, it's as tall as my small tv and has a wide base to it.  Like I said it sounds terrible because she put a lot of thought to all of this.  Then my brother got me a wax warmer and the waxes and light bulb to go with it, again it's a really cute wax warmer also in an owl shape but I have no use for it, there's no place for it and the scents were horrible.  And this annoys me a little bit because he ordered it from my sister in law who knew I wanted the fish tank and she's the one who got me the gift card to the pet store so all she had to do was tell me older brother not to get that for me that I really just need a gift card to the pet store, so that irks me a little.  And finally my father, oh my father, where to even begin.  I received a Winnie the Pooh stuff animal, a Winnie the Pooh coffee mug, and a Winnie the Pooh tumbler, three shirts, and a gift card to Target, (also for my birthday I received a gift card to Kohls).  Again I have been telling him what I want so why he couldn't just get me a dang gift card to the pet store I don't understand.  Also what is with Winnie the Pooh I do not like Winnie the Pooh and I do not ever remember liking Winnie the Pooh.  And the shirts, time and time again I tell him not to buy me clothes.  I have huge boobs (and no I am not exaggerating) it is hard for me to find clothes that fit properly and that is with me going to the store and trying them on, so why he thinks ordering clothes for me online from a store that I haven't bought clothes from since high school because they do not make clothes for women with curves is a good idea I have no clue.  So yup I'm very disappointed in Christmas presents and because I am disappointed in them it ruined the rest of the holiday.  My mom is going to buy back the gift cards which makes me feel horrible but she knew how much I wanted a fish tank and I really need one. But she is going to give me cash which then with the cash I feel like I should just turn around and pay bills with it. It's all so frustrating. Don't ask me what I want if you are not going to listen.  I ask for things I need, I'm sorry if you feel I should be getting other things but I don't have room for random junk in my life, there's a lot of necessities that are more important to me then frivolous items.  If I don't get what I ask for I would rather not have anything.  It's really that simple.  So now I need to come up with the money for the tank and everything needed for it which is going to be a few hundred.  I'm hurt and disappointed and I feel terrible for feeling this way and I know I should just be grateful that I have family who wants to give me presents, but I honestly would rather not have anything or at least know ahead of time that I won't be getting what I need so I can set money aside for it.  It's just another expense I am going to have to come up with.  On the plus side I will be sending everything my dad and brother got me to my friends in Texas figured she would use the clothes and wax warmer, and her kids will enjoy the winnie the pooh stuff.
  • Current Mood
    disappointed disappointed

Holiday Time

I really dislike how holiday time is just not enjoyable for me any more.  It's like a wedge that I just can't get out.  I've tried to get over everything, I've tried to move on with my life and leave the past in the past.  But let me tell you holiday time is not easy.  Please don't ever propose to someone on a holiday because you will completely and I do mean completely ruin that holiday for that person if anything ever goes south.  My first couple Christmases after we broke up I don't remember at all.  I mean I really and truly have no clue what happened or who's house it was at or anything. Not long after that I moved to Texas and spent it alone, well with the animals which of course they all got stockings even the iguana. Then back in Illinois which some Christmases I just all out skipped.  And finally back to Texas.  As you can see it's a continuing cycle.  I really do try to get into it, put up decorations go shopping for family and friends, but when it comes down to it, there are still nights where I cry myself to sleep.  I wish that I could hate him I really truly do it would make everything so much easier but I can't because a part of me still loves him. I figured that part would go away when I find someone new.  Yup probably would have if I found someone I was allowed to be with.  I fell for a friend which was also one of my friend's exes.  Long story behind all that but the gist of it is she asked me not to go anywhere with it, and so I kept it how it was just sex.  The problem was my emotions were involved long before that and I kept them locked down around him so he wouldn't get attached and I think in doing so I lost out on a really good thing.  This all royally sucks and I'm tired and lonely and just want to be loved, whether by friends or more than friends.  I haven't hung out with anyone in months.  And I just miss physical contact just a simple hug from a friend is all I need right now.  Oh and my birthday is coming up another year older and nothing to show for it.  I wanted to be done smoking by then but holidays and not a good time for that.  It's funny I feel like I always want but never achieve anything.
  • Current Mood
    sad sad

Grr

I'm going to go take my frustration out on my garden then hopefully come back in to post about what's gotten me so peeved

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I should be sleeping at least that's what I keep telling myself yet I'm wide awake with thoughts racing through my head.  The funny thing is I'm unable to pinpoint what is keeping me awake and having this maelstrom in my head.  It just isn't making sense.  Nothing is overtly wrong right now and I've been making long term goals with myself.  So what is it that is keeping me from my slumber.  There's changes coming and I just don't know which way the wind will blow with them.

Woohoo for under-roos!!!

I'm so excited just got my new bras and matching underwear!  Such a shame semi-annual sales only come once a year.  Now if only I could find special reasons to wear matching sets.  Oh well in the mean time I will just enjoy them.  Simple things in life can sometimes give the greatest pleasure.  I must say though I really need to tone down my color choices when it comes to undergarments cause I don't know what I will be able to wear with some of these bras without them showing through.  I'm sure I'll figure something out.  

On to other things I am in the process of cleaning out the laundry room and my room.  Once I have that done I think I can start tackling the rest of the basement again, I may be better off trying to go through my old room upstairs first cause if I can get that cleaned up then I will have room for some of the stuff in this basement.  Such decisions such decisions.  

I also figured in August I will be joining curves cause that's when I will be switching to a different schedule I just need to figure out if I would like to go before work or right after (literally right after because they close at 7 and I get off at 6).

Other than that same old same old I guess.  In less than a year my car will be paid off, in less then a month I will be caught up with the payments that I fell behind on.  And hopefully not long after that I can start fixing my credit.

Here's hoping for a bright future!
  • Current Mood
    energetic energetic

Oh Illinois why do you make me fat

I don't know why I do this to myself every time I come back to Illinois.  I don't know if I just get lazy or if it's because I am unhappy and stressed or what the case is.  But I always gain weight when I come back here.  In Texas I started working out and eating better so I was losing weight but now I'm back in Illinois and I put it all back and then some.  I don't know what to do.  I have no room to workout in the house and I am not a heat person so walking in this ridiculously hot weather is not an option.  I really feel like my money is better spent else where then trying to join a gym that I would never go to cause I have absolutely no idea how to use anything.  I'm really considering either joining Curves or Weight Watchers.  I know Weight Watchers worked well for one of my friends before but with Curves I then have a place to workout.  I really can't decide I think I may join Curves for their 90 day program thing which is 20lbs and 20 inches in 90 days and see how that works if it doesn't I can always try Weight Watchers.  I really just don't know.  All I do know is that I'm unhappy with the way I look and feel and I really think I can do better.  I've also been really contemplating quitting smoking I know I've thought about it before but I don't have anything holding me back now besides myself.  I know in the past people have said I shouldn't try quitting too many things at once so if I start ones of these weight loss plans I may want to hold off on quitting smoking till I get in a system with that.  I really just don't know.  What I do know is that I need to make changes because if I don't see myself in a good light no one else will.  One of the other things I was thinking of was renting a storage locker and moving a lot of these boxes in the basement into it so I have a place to workout at home, but still all these options leave me with paying some type of monthly fee.  All right this is my blurb for now my laundry is finally done so it's off to bed for me.
  • Current Mood
    cynical cynical

nightly

I'm actually in a somewhat decent mood right now.  No clue why I am still hurt with not being able to see my friend this weekend but oh well nothing I can do about it.  I think I'm just content at the moment and a little excited about getting to start a new book tomorrow.  I know I am a nerd but I love my books and yes I have a kindle but there's just something about an actual book that I just love.  It's impossible to explain so just jot it down as one of my little quirks.  I'm going to try to update this nightly hopefully it will help. I need to remember to tend my fish tomorrow I've been neglecting them this is just a little reminder to myself hopefully I haven't killed any.
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    content content